A moment that changed me: living on my own, and taking ...

I always wanted to live alone. When I was a teenager I had a fantasy about living in my own flat, wearing a Japanese kimono and drinking ... SkiptomaincontentSkiptonavigationAdvertisementNewsOpinionSportCultureLifestyleShowMoreShowMoreNewsWorldnewsUKnewsCoronavirusClimatecrisisEnvironmentScienceGlobaldevelopmentFootballTechBusinessObituariesOpinionTheGuardianviewColumnistsCartoonsOpinionvideosLettersSportFootballCricketRugbyunionTennisCyclingF1GolfUSsportsCultureBooksMusicTV&radioArt&designFilmGamesClassicalStageLifestyleFashionFoodRecipesLove&sexHealth&fitnessHome&gardenWomenMenFamilyTravelMoneyMakeacontributionSubscribeSearchjobsHolidaysDigitalArchiveGuardianPuzzlesappGuardiancontentlicensingsiteTheGuardianappVideoPodcastsPicturesNewslettersToday'spaperInsidetheGuardianTheObserverGuardianWeeklyCrosswordsSearchjobsHolidaysDigitalArchiveGuardianPuzzlesappGuardiancontentlicensingsiteFashionFoodRecipesLove&sexHealth&fitnessHome&gardenWomenMenFamilyTravelMoneyAmomentthatchangedmeRelationshipsThisarticleismorethan4yearsoldAmomentthatchangedme:livingonmyown,andtakingcontrolofmylifeThisarticleismorethan4yearsoldSianNorrisMovingintoaflataloneinmy30sgavemeasenseoffreedomandanewemotionalspaceinwhichmycreativeselfcouldgrowSianNorris:‘LivingalonegavemeasenseoffreedomIhadn’tknownI’dcraved.’Photograph:SianNorrisSianNorris:‘LivingalonegavemeasenseoffreedomIhadn’tknownI’dcraved.’Photograph:SianNorrisFri19May201708.00BSTLastmodifiedonMon19Jul202113.40BSTIalwayswantedtolivealone.WhenIwasateenagerIhadafantasyaboutlivinginmyownflat,wearingaJapanesekimonoanddrinkinglapsangsouchong(IreadalotofColettenovelsataformativeage).ButwhenImovedinwithmyboyfriendattheageof23,Istartedplanningforanewfuture–onewithotherpeopleinit.ThisallchangedwhenIturned30.LikeColetteinmypaperbacknovels,Ihadarrivedatmy“ageofreckoning”.Ileftmyboyfriend,wenttolivewithmymumandherpartner,andayearlaterfinallymovedintomyownplace.Alone.‘Truly,madly,deeplyalone’–embracingsolitudeReadmoreThosefirstfewdaysofbeingbymyselfinmyflat–decoratedwithmychoiceofcolours,withmybooksontheshelvesandmypictures,hungbyme,onmywalls–weredisconcerting.Iwalkedaroundthefewrooms,wonderingwhattodonow.Withnoonetomovearound,noonetotalkto,noonetoaskmehowmydayhadbeen,Ididn’tknowwheretoputmyself.ThelifeIhadonceassumed–theonewithapartnerandahouseandafamily–hadvanished.HereIwas,facinganewfuture,livingbymyself.Thattrepidation,thatanxiety,soonturnedintoafeelingofliberation.LivingalonegavemeasenseoffreedomIhadn’tknownI’dcraved.Inmyownflat,withmyownspace,Istartedtowritewitharenewedenergy.I’dspentyearswritingthefirstdraftofanovel–yearsfilledwithinterruptionsandsqueezedspace.Withinmonths,Ihadafinishedbook.Bytakingcontrolofmyphysicalspace,Iopenedupanewemotionalspaceformyself.IwasworkingharderandbetterthanI’deverworkedbefore.Myself-imagechangedwiththemove,too.Istartedcallingmyselfawriter.InWoolfspeak,Ihadfoundmy“roomofone’sown”whereIcouldcarveoutaspaceformycreativeself.DespitethefactthatI’maradicalfeministwriterandactivist,myex-partnerandIhadeasilyslippedintogenderedrolesinoursharedhome.IwasconvincedthatIwasrubbishatanythingtechnical,andIhatetalkingtopeopleonthephone.Hetookonthosejobs,whileIdidmostofthecookingandcleaning.Movingintomyownplace,thiswasnolongerpossible.Ihadtocallthegascompany;Ihadtolearnhowtoprogrammemycentralheating,andtunemyTV.Nooneelsewasgoingtodoitforme.AllthesethingsIhadbeenconvincedIcouldn’tdo,convincedIdidn’tunderstand,Iwasforcedtolearn.Ihadtobecomemorecapable,andfast.Ihadtobecomeindependent.Areyouworriedyou'respendingtoomuchtimealone?ReadmoreThereissomethingblissfullyselfishaboutlivingalone.Inasocietywherewomenareexpectedtotakeonsomuchdomesticandemotionallabour,wherewearetypecastasnurturersandcarers,livingpurelyformyselfhasbeenbothajoyfulandliberatingexperience.LivingalonemeansIammypriority.Itfeelsquitesubversiveortransgressivetosayso.Andyet,there’ssomethingreallypositiveaboutputtingmyselffirst.Everythingisdesignedforme,aroundme,byme.Myspaceismyownspace,andmytimeismyowntime.Idon’thavetoanswertoanyone.Ofcourse,italsomeansthatIamresponsibleforeverything.It’suptometotakeoutthebinsaswellasdothecooking.Again,inaworldwherewomencarrytheburdenofdomesticlabourinrelationships,thereissomethingliberatingaboutcleaningupformyselfandnotafterotherpeople.IkeepmyflattidybecauseIwanttoliveinapleasantspace,notbecauseI’mcarryingthedomesticburdenforapartner,parent,orchild.Takingownershipisempowering.Itwouldbealietosaythatlifedoesn’tsometimesgetlonely.However,Ibelievewecanreframethewaywethinkaboutloneliness.Wecantransformthestateofbeingaloneintoonethatismotivatingandempowering.WhenIstarttofeellonely,Igoforawalk,watchafilm,readabookortakeabath.Mostofall,Iwrite.MovingintomyownplaceprovedtomethatIcanbecapable,independent,andincontrolofmyownspaceandmylife.Andyes–IdohavethatJapanesekimono,andIdodrinklapsangsouchong.TopicsRelationshipsAmomentthatchangedmeHomesWomenHealth&wellbeingGendercommentReusethiscontentMostpopularMostpopularFashionFoodRecipesLove&sexHealth&fitnessHome&gardenWomenMenFamilyTravelMoney